Everything That Might Have Been
by Zanza8
Summary: An outing turns tragic and Hercules must make the ultimate choice for Iolaus' happiness.


"I love to go swimmin with bowlegged women and swim between their legs, swim between their legs, swim between their legs..." Hercules rolled his eyes. Where did Iolaus come up with these songs? He seemed to have an endless supply-just when the demigod was sure he'd heard them all his friend regaled him with a new one at the top of his unmusical voice. Hercules looked at the blond hunter with affection. It was good to see Iolaus bouncing down the road so full of vitality. He'd had a rough couple of weeks. They both had. It had started with the usual plea to save a village from a monster, which they'd dispatched in record time, but a pretty girl smiled at Iolaus and the next thing Hercules knew they were helping get in the harvest on her father's farm. They were both worn out by the time they were done, but Iolaus was quite a bit more tired than he would have been had he just been doing farm work.

Hercules chuckled to himself. Iolaus could no more resist a pretty face than a fly could resist honey. He was never serious about any of them...Hercules frowned, remembering Ania. What a beautiful girl Iolaus' wife had been. Deinara and Alcemene had fallen in love with her from the start, and Iolaus-Hercules sighed. For all his light-hearted amorous propensities, Iolaus was a one-woman man. He rarely spoke of Ania but Hercules knew she had as firm a hold on his friend's heart as the day the hunter met her. For a while the demigod hoped that Xena's soulful companion Gabrielle might be the one to bring his friend a new life, but he was sure now that it would never happen. They had become good friends but the spark that could blossom into love was not there. Hercules came to himself with a start to find his partner looking at him with a bemused expression.

"What?"

"You were about a million miles away, Herc. Anything you want to talk about?" Hercules shook his head.

"I'm just tired. The next time you decide to sell yourself into slavery leave me out of it."

"Slavery! I was just trying to be kind to that poor farmer. He had a broken leg..."

"And three tall sons whom I devoutly hope are not following us at this moment for all the time you spent with their sister." Iolaus cast an involuntary glance over his shoulder.

"Can I help it if women find me irresistible? You have no idea what it's like being so attractive to the opposite sex." Hercules hid a smile.

"Maybe you're right, Iolaus. Maybe I need a few pointers-how to dress," Iolaus straightened his worn purple vest, "how to sing," Iolaus' face reddened, "how to..."

At this moment they were distracted by some quail breaking cover. Iolaus brightened.

"Feel like quail for lunch?"

"Sure," laughed Hercules. "As long as you don't cook it."

"I'm a better cook than you any day!" Hercules laid a hand on his friend's shoulder.

"Iolaus, and this is from the bottom of my heart, the quality of your cooking is surpassed only by the harmony of your singing." Iolaus looked indignant but Hercules' lips were twitching with the smile he could no longer hold back, and soon both men were laughing as they walked into the woods. They brought down one quail with ease but the second bird was only wounded and fluttered away. Iolaus followed it-for all his skills as a hunter he loved animals and would never leave a wounded one to die slowly and in pain. Hercules was right behind him as his friend tracked the bird, finally spotting it huddled close to the precipitous edge of a river.

"Hang on, Herc-this won't take a minute." Hercules laid the quail on the ground and was looking around for some firewood when he heard a startled yell. His heart stopped as he saw his friend. The ground that had seemed firm under the quail had crumbled from the weight of the hunter, and even as Hercules moved towards him Iolaus dropped from sight.

"IOLAUS!"

Hercules flung himself on his knees as close to the edge as he could get. The water was very fast and Iolaus had never been much of a swimmer. Hercules scanned the water but there was no sign of him. Hercules got to his feet and ran frantically downstream. He'll be all right. I know he will. All he has to do is keep his head above water and wait for me-he knows I'll come for him. The demigod sobbed. I'm coming, Iolaus-just hang on! Hercules never knew how far he ran that day before he heard the ominous crashing. He ran faster, then came to the source of the sound and stopped in horror.

The river had turned into a magnificent waterfall-wide, foamy white, sparkling in the sun, and at least a hundred feet high. Hercules collapsed to the ground as he took in the falls. There was no way anything could go over those falls and survive. A moment later the exhausted man cursed himself to his feet and was clambering frantically down the cliff. He didn't pay attention to what he was doing and fell the last twenty feet, landing with a thud that knocked the wind out of him. He lay still for a moment, collecting himself, then shouted again. "IOLAUS! IOLAUS!"

There was no answer but the echos.

Time passed. Days, weeks, a month, and Hercules still searched, hoping hoplessly that somehow Iolaus had survived. Oh, sure, he'd probably be banged up-not for the first time!-and Hercules would have to kick his butt for giving him such a scare but he was alive. Wasn't he? Hercules dared not let his mind dwell on the alternative. He was growing thin from too little food, but how could he think about eating until he found Iolaus? He was filthy, guant, and haggard the night Ares showed up.

The dark god of war surveyed his half-mortal brother with disgust. Hercules sat against a tree, shivering with cold but unable to find the energy to make a fire. All this grief over a mortal! It was positively undignified. Then Ares thought of what had brought him and an evil smile curled his lips. He made himself visible. Hercules looked at him with dull eyes.

"What do you want, Ares?" His voice was as lifeless as his eyes and he showed no reaction at all to his hated brother. Ares leaned casually against a tree.

"Oh, I just thought you might want to see Iolaus." For a second there was a spark in Hercules' eyes, then they closed wearily.

"Go away, Ares. I'm not in the mood for your games right now."

"Hercules, you wound me. Here I am, offering my help as a good brother should, and you reject me." Ares sighed elaborately. "Well, if I'm not wanted I'll be on my way..." Hercules' eyes flashed open and Ares smirked. How easy it was to manipulate the powerful demigod if you knew what buttons to push! Ares had been doing it for years but somehow Hercules and Iolaus always triumphed. Let's see them get out of this one, he whispered to himself. Hercules pulled himself unsteadily to his feet.

"What have you done to him, Ares?" The dark god raised his eyebrows.

"I? I haven't done anything to him. Now do you want to see him or don't you?" Hercules was torn. If Ares was mixed up in this it had to mean disaster. On the other hand, he had been ignoring a little voice for weeks-a voice that was growing steadily louder-a voice that said he would never find Iolaus. No matter what the consequences, he had to go with Ares. He swallowed and nodded convulsively.

"I want to see him," he breathed. "Please, Ares..."

"Your wish is my command." Ares waved his hand and they disappeared. Hercules tried to steel himself for whatever he would find. His mind filled with terrible images of what the gods had done to his best friend in the past-Iolaus sick, Iolaus wounded, Iolaus suffering and in pain and Hercules powerless to help him, Iolaus lost in a fog of madness and Hercules unable to reach him-Hercules blinked his eyes and looked around. He and Ares were standing in the middle of the market square of what looked like a prosperous little village. The people were neatly dressed, well fed, and smiled at each other. Children and dogs played underfoot, and energetic haggling could be heard at almost every stall. Hercules blinked at his companion in the bright sun.

"Ares, I don't..." he was beginning when he heard a sound that made his heart turn over.

"There you are!" Hercules whipped around, searching the crowd. The demigod's eyes were drawn to the owner of the voice like a magnet.

"Iolaus!" He rushed forward and Iolaus ran up with a happy smile-and kept going right past him. Hercules saw him seize a little girl with long curly red hair, swing her up on his shoulders, and bounce her teasingly. The child shrieked with delight and buried her hands in the tousled golden mane of the hunter. Hercules glowered at Ares.

"We're invisible?" The god smiled nastily. "Enough, Ares! I don't know what you think you're doing..." The god held up a hand.

"Just watch, Hercules." Hercules turned and looked at his partner. He and the child had been joined by a lanky boy and a woman. The boy had the same curly red hair as the little girl-she must be his sister, thought Hercules-and the woman had a shoulder length mop of bright auburn waves almost as unruly as Iolaus' sunny yellow locks. She reached up and kissed Iolaus, then took his hand and they all walked off. Hercules made to follow but was stopped by Ares' hand on his arm.

"We need to talk," said the god of war. Hercules looked longingly after Iolaus, but while he was invisible there was no point in catching up with him. Gritting his teeth in frustration he turned to his immortal half-brother.

"I'm listening," he said grimly. "What do you want, Ares?"

Ares shrugged. "I don't want anything," he replied. "I just thought you'd like to see how Iolaus is doing."

"Ares, so help me, if you don't tell me what's going on you're going have to rebuild every temple you have in Greece!" Ares threw up his hands. "All right. All right! Iolaus didn't die in the river."

"Obviously."

"He did lose his memory."

"What?"

"Oh, yeah. He took a nasty knock on the head going over those falls-amazing he survived, isn't it?" Hercules' eyes narrowed and he took a step towards his brother. "Don't look at me in that tone of voice, Hercules," Ares went on, amused. "I didn't drop your lapdog in the river and I didn't take away his memory either. That girl Lyssa-beautiful isn't she?-found Iolaus washed up on the bank, bleeding and unconscious." Hercules flinched. "She got him back to the village, nursed him back to health..." Ares' voice became thoughtful. "She's a widow. Those two kids are hers-they've been on their own for a while now. This is a real nice place-they've been happy-but now that they have a man around the house..." Ares sighed rapturously. "Kind of brings a lump to your throat, doesn't it?" Hercules' face was dark with suppressed fury.

"I want him back, Ares."

"Anytime, Hercules. All you have to do is show yourself to him and his memory will return."

Hercules turned on his heel and started to leave.

"Thanks for nothing, Ares," he shot over his shoulder.

"Oh, there is one thing," Ares called. Hercules sighed. Here it came. Reluctantly he returned to the god of war. He waited while Ares regarded him silently. Finally the god spoke. "You really care about that insignificant mortal, don't you?" Hercules didn't answer and his brother went on. "Here's the deal, Hercules. You can restore Iolaus' memory anytime you choose simply by showing yourself to him-or you can leave him here."

"Why would I do that?" Hercules' voice was controlled but the god of war could feel the anger just beneath the surface.

Ares was delighted-this was going to be even better than he hoped. "Why, Hercules? Because he's happy now. Look at him." Hercules turned slowly and observed Iolaus. He was walking back, his arm around the woman-Lyssa, was it?-the children skipping ahead of him. Hercules heard his friend's infectious laugh, saw several people around him smile. Iolaus had always had that gift of spreading sunshine. The demigod stared at his friend as he came closer. Iolaus was dressed in the rough clothes of a farmer, his face was relaxed and open, his eyes sparkling. Hercules had not seen a look quite like that on his partner's face since Ania died. It was true. He was happy-happier than he had been in years. But...

"You don't have to worry about him, Hercules," said Ares in a mock-comforting voice. "I'll take him under my personal protection. Nothing and no one will ever hurt him again while he stays here."

Hercules took several deep breaths, fighting to keep his mad rage under control. Finally he spoke tonelessly. "Why, Ares?"

"Because either way I win!" The dark god was openly gloating. "All those times I tried to hurt you by getting Iolaus-well, I've got him now! What's it going to be, little brother? Will you leave Iolaus here in peace and quiet where he'll never get hurt again following you around-or will you reveal yourself to him and take him away from his family and his chance to be truly happy?" Ares laughed and it seemed as if the sound tore at Hercules like a hot knife. "The choice is yours." He disappeared in a flash of light but Hercules could still hear the mocking laughter. He gazed at Iolaus' back.

"Excuse me, stranger," said a young man who had collided with the demigod as he suddenly appeared. "I didn't see you."

Hercules shook his head. "That's okay," he said vaguely. Then he started. He was visible! Ares words rang in his head. _You can restore Iolaus' memory anytime you choose simply by showing yourself to him._ Hercules wanted nothing more than to run up to that blond figure, spin him around, and grab him in a bear hug that would crack his ribs. He couldn't go through life without Iolaus. He loved him too much.

"Hey, Demetrius!" Hercules eyes widened as his best friend turned at the unfamiliar name and walked towards him. Suddenly he spun away, running from the village as if all the monsters ever spawned were after him. He ran until he could run no more, until he was deep in the woods he had searched with such desolation, until his breath was too short to allow him to stand. The demigod fell to his knees, pounding the ground in his agony. For he knew he had made his choice. Too often Iolaus had paid the price as a pawn in the gods' game of trying to destroy Hercules. Time after time he had begged Iolaus to leave him before his loyalty got him killed, but the hunter had always refused. He knew the risks, it was his choice, and deep down Hercules knew he needed Iolaus by his side-knew that without him he was less than half a man. Now he finally had a chance to save Iolaus from all the danger and suffering he had endured to be with Hercules. The demigod knew he would never pass that chance up no matter how much he needed him. He would just have to go on-without Iolaus.

Hercules fell on his face in the dirt. He never remembered the hours he lay there, but it was full dark when he finally stirred. He rolled over, staring at the sky, his mind blank. There was an enormous ache in his soul as he prepared to get up and move on with his life-without Iolaus. Only the knowledge that his friend was safe and happy kept him from lying there until he died of grief.

Spring ran into summer and summer into fall. Hercules wandered Greece, lonely and miserable. He desperately wanted to go home but if he did he would have to tell his mother and Jason what had happened. They would understand. They would understand all too well, approve the choice he had made for his brother and be torn apart, as Hercules was torn apart every time he thought of Iolaus and how he'd lost him forever.

Sometimes the demigod would sneak back to the village, hiding himself until he could catch a glimpse of Iolaus. It was the only thing that relieved the melancholy-seeing his best friend strong and well, laughing with his family. He had married Lyssa and by autumn she was plainly pregnant. The joy on Iolaus' face as he watched his pretty wife brought tears to Hercules' eyes and it was all he could do to keep himself out of sight.

He continued to help people. He welcomed the opportunity to kill monsters and fight warlords-anything to keep himself busy, anything to keep from dwelling on Iolaus. The pain didn't lessen-every morning when he woke it hit him with all the impact of that first day when he had run out of the village-but he learned to live with it. At least he thought he did. It wasn't until he stumbled into an inn late in the winter soaked from a downpour that he realized he was dying.

It was in the faces of the innkeeper and his wife as they took in the tall shivering man with the grim face and empty blue eyes. They made him sit by the fire and kept the other guests away. Hercules looked around and saw nothing but pity. He wondered incuriously why this should be so, but the effort to think was too great and he huddled in the chair curling in on himself like a wounded animal. He refused all food, drank a cup of tea, and moved on as soon as the rain stopped. He didn't know how much time he had left and he wanted to die on the road-the road he had traveled with Iolaus...Hercules closed his eyes.

"Well, what have we here?" The demigod opened his eyes and saw three men standing in the road in front of him. Bandits. Hercules shook his head wearily. "I don't have any money," he said in a colorless voice.

The leader sneered and drew his sword. "We'll see about that. Even if you don't have money you're still worth something on the block, right boys?" The other two laughed mirthlessly and nodded. Hercules stood quietly as they came up to search him. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered any more now that Iolaus... Iolaus. His partner wouldn't want him to leave bandits free to terrorize innocent people. Almost mechanically Hercules grabbed the two men searching him and cracked their heads together. He flung them aside and charged the leader, knocking him down and out. Hercules stood over the three men, breathing heavily. He became aware that his heart no longer hurt. He looked down at his chest. The leader had stabbed him as he fell, and now Hercules' lifeblood drained away, taking the pain that he had carried for a year with it. Thankfully he sank to the ground and let the darkness claim him.

"Hercules? Hercules?" Hercules groaned as he heard a distant voice calling him. He wanted to remain in the darkness forever, but there was something about the voice... "C'mon, Herc!" Only one person called him Herc. Afraid to look, more afraid to remain in ignorance, he slowly opened his eyes. Iolaus' beloved face hung anxiously over him.

"About time you decided to wake up!"

"What happened?" whispered the demigod.

Iolaus chuckled. "What happened is you stepped in a gopher hole and knocked yourself out on a rock. Don't worry, you were out for less than a minute-we still have time to go after those quail."

"NO!"

Iolaus started at the vehemence of the reply. "Herc, are you feeling all right?"

Hercules sat up and took a few deep breaths. "Sure, Iolaus. I'm all right. I just want to sit for a minute."

Iolaus frowned at him. "Well, okay, but the quail are gonna get away."

"I don't want the quail!" Hercules' voice broke and Iolaus knelt beside him and put a hand on his shoulder. The big man looked at his friend. Iolaus had been impatient to go hunting but all thoughts of lunch had departed from his mind. His face held the same unconditional love and loyalty that had belonged to Hercules since they were boys. Suddenly the demigod could take no more and his arms went around his friend with a gasp. Iolaus held him gently, murmuring soothing nonsense and stroking the silky golden brown hair as Hercules alternately wept hysterically and babbled incoherently. A word emerged here and there, "Ares...my choice...sorry, buddy," and Iolaus wrapped his arms more tightly around his friend as the big man poured out his grief. Finally he calmed down and slumped against Iolaus' chest.

Iolaus settled himself more comfortably and wiped away his own tears. "You want to tell me what that was all about?" Hercules shuddered and Iolaus patted his back as if he was comforting a small child. "You don't have to, Herc. I said do you want to?"

"I want to." Iolaus listened in amazed silence as Hercules poured out the story of the past year. He hadn't thought Herc hit his head that hard. On the other hand, the gods had played tricks like this with time...the blond hunter shook his head.

"I don't know what happened, Hercules. Maybe we'll never know. All I can say with one hundred percent certainty is this." He paused, and Hercules pulled back and looked at his brother. Iolaus' eyes locked on his and the hunter spoke very slowly to give added emphasis to his words. "I love you. I always have and I always will. If the price of my happiness is forgetting I ever knew you that's too high a price to pay." Iolaus grinned wickedly. "I'll just have to follow you around and keep you out of trouble-a tall order, mind you, but someone's got to do it."

Hercules didn't rise to the bait. "No one else would do it, Iolaus." The hunter pulled his friend back into his arms and they sat in the sun for a while. Finally Hercules sighed and sat up, running his hands through his hair and wiping his face. Iolaus watched him sympathetically. "Feeling better?" The big man nodded. "Want to get going?" Hercules nodded again and got to his feet. He reached down a hand to pull Iolaus up, and held onto his friend's arm for a moment to feel the reassuring solidity of that dear presence. Then they set off down the road together.

 _Disclaimer: No quail, imaginary or otherwise, were harmed during the writing of this story_


End file.
